How to NOT Write a Legolas Fanfic
by your.daily.dose.of.fanfic
Summary: STOP! Are YOU planning on writing a Legolas FanFic? Well, you can throw your totally-cliche plotline out the window because here a few examples of how to NOT write Legolas FanFiction. A parody of all crappy Legolas FanFiction.
1. Introduction

_A/N:_

_Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and review this parody! Your reviews (and flames, if you feel like it) are much appreciated here. __If you feel like I have parodied something that sounds a lot like your story, never fear! I have record of approximately how many times a story with a certain theme appears on this site. If you are positive that the story you wrote was good, chances are I didn't parody yours but the other shitty copies instead. Either way, don't take it too personally. It's just a joke :)_

_Also, If any of my previous readers from 2010-2011 are reading this now, I have finally given in, and have written a few new chapters of this for you._

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**HOW TO NOT WRITE LEGOLAS FANFICTION**

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"_Then they looked into each other's eyes and then they kissed..."_

"_As he was walking, he was attacked by giant spiders!"_

"_Then his brothers and father beat him up cruelly, and refused to take him to the healers..."_

If your Legolas Fanfiction contains anything along the lines of the quotes above...

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!

I may not exactly be the next Shakespeare and I don't know how to write good FanFiction, but I sure know how **NOT** write to it! I, and a team of myself, are on a noble crusade to cleanse and re-sanctify 'The Lord of the Rings' FanFiction archive, and liberate it from the poorly-written and cliche Legolas FanFiction that plague it. It will be a long and difficult journey but I guarantee you, dear reader, that once you have finished reading this, you will be successfully dissuaded from putting the really crappy Legolas FanFiction you were thinking about writing to paper (or Internet).

This comprehensive guide includes examples of the most apparent genres in Legolas FanFiction, and has been accredited and endorsed by every single Writers' Guild and book club in existence **[1]**. This is compulsory reading for anyone who is even just _thinking_ about writing Legolas FanFiction. Yes, even just letting the thought of writing Legolas FanFiction enter your mind for one second binds you to reading the entirety of this.

Crappy Legolas FanFiction is dangerous, mind-numbing and brain-melting, and must be stopped whenever and wherever it can. If you value the intelligence of the human race, I strongly urge you to read this. This guide can prevent permanent brain damage, or even save your life **[2]**.

- _J.R.R Tolkien _**[3]**

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_**[1]** Not really._

_**[2]** __In cases of suicide due to reading really bad FanFiction._  


_**[3]** __He didn't actually write this, being dead and all. I just felt like putting his name somewhere._  



	2. Torture Angst

_If you see any misspellings, grammatical errors or things you think can be improved on, send in your reviews and I'll get right to it!_

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**TORTURE/ANGST**

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Once upon a time there lived an elf named (you guessed it) Legolas. Suddenly, we find out that Legolas, his father and brothers live in some horrible shit-hole called Mirkwood of which his father is the king. Okay, so Legolas has this SUPER TRAUMATIC life because his father and brothers bully him a lot. Why? Because all of them had SUPER TRAUMATIC lives, and they want to take out all of their rage on Legolas. In fact, they all lie awake at night just to think of more ways to bully him. You'd probably think that Legolas' mother would intervene or at least say "_Hey, that's not very nice._" but unfortunately, she doesn't. She is dead/taking a shower when Legolas is getting tortured by his father and brothers. That is why she does not notice a damn thing. All the other elves that live in Mirkwood seem to think that Legolas' dad is a great king, because they don't know that he is actually a sadistic bastard who tortures his son every day.

Mirkwood happens to be infested with orcs/wargs/giant spiders/goblins and having had the entire night to think of new ways to torture him, Legolas' father and brothers come up with a brilliant new way to torture him, and leave him in the middle of Mirkwood where he could possibly be eaten by orcs/wargs/giant spiders/goblins.

All of a sudden, orcs/wargs/giant spiders/goblins come out of nowhere and start trying to eat/kill/kidnap Legolas. Somehow, he manages to escape (despite the fact that escaping from something like that is almost impossible) and he picks up a sword/bow and arrow/axe that happens to be lying on the ground, and starts stabbing/shooting/hacking the orcs/wargs/giant spiders/goblins to bits and escapes with only a scratch. Of course, it can't be _just_ a scratch. While trying to find his way back to his house/palace/place of residence, Legolas' scratch gets infected and he collapses.

Luckily for him, a healer/random elf/his mother (if she isn't dead) happens to be walking past, sees Legolas and he/she takes Legolas back to his/their house/palace/place of residence to get healed. Legolas' father and brothers learn of this and they realize that he is in the healing place. They go into the healing place and they see that he is almost dead.

_*It is at this point, there are two different possible endings to these types of fanfiction.*_

_**Ending 1**_

So after a dragged out scene of where Legolas' father and brothers bawl their eyes out and apologize, Legolas is magically healed and he wakes up! Legolas' father and brothers realise the error off their ways, and the story usually ends with the whole family hugging and living happily ever after.

_**Ending 2**_

After seeing that Legolas is almost dead, Legolas' father and brothers realise that this is what they were trying to achieve after all these long years, and they order the healers not to heal him and let him die instead. Legolas dies a very slow and painful death, and no one seems to mind because his father and brothers wanted him to die, and his mother was probably dead/in the shower when in happened.


	3. Hurt Comfort

**HURT/COMFORT**

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Okay, so once upon a time, there lived some dude named Aragorn. He lived in Rivendell with his foster-father who was some guy, or _elf_ rather, named Elrond. So anyway, Aragorn just woke up one day and decided he wanted to go to some place called Mirkwood. No reason, he just felt like going there despite the fact that it was really far, really dangerous and was inhabited by orcs/goblins/giant spiders/wargs! Elrond doesn't stop him for some reason, and Aragorn begins his journey to Mirkwood.

The journey takes about 5 seconds, despite the fact that Rivendell is a hell of a long way from Mirkwood. So, as Aragorn enters Mirkwood, he gets attacked by orcs/goblins/giant spiders/wargs and he attempts to kill them all single handed!

_[Insert whole chapter of epic, super awesome battle scene with Aragorn here]_

After many minutes/hours/days of killing the orcs/goblins/giant spiders/wargs without ANY injury whatsoever, Aragorn begins to feel tired. The orcs/goblins/giant spiders/wargs laugh maniacally, and approach Aragorn. So then, Aragorn is about to be eaten/taken hostage/killed by the orcs/goblins/giant spiders/wargs when he cries for help! All of a sudden, a guy– I mean, _elf_ appears!

Okay, so the elf starts killing all the orcs/goblins/giant spiders/wargs that are about to eat/kidnap/kill Aragorn.

_[Insert whole chapter of epic, super awesome, cheesy, drawn-out orc/goblin/giant spider/warg killing action here]_

Anyway, after a whole chapter of orc/goblin/giant spider/warg killing action, the mystery elf changes from 'mystery elf' to 'Legolas' in 3 seconds.

He walks over to Aragorn and snobs him because wood-elves don't like humans because they killed their people/stole some shit/argued in the past.

For some reason, Legolas decides to help Aragorn anyway, and he takes Aragorn to visit his father who happens to be the king of the place. There is this really long dragged out description about the palace, how Legolas looks like his father _blah blah blah_.

_[Insert insignificant chapter about Aragorn talking/meeting Legolas' father]_

Legolas and Aragorn finally go out of the palace (and pass about a million insignificant elves who are gathered around the palace), and decide to walk through the woods. During this time, Aragorn finds out about Legolas' TRAUMATIC, ANGSTFILLED PAST which has something to do with his childhood/father/brothers/girlfriend/wife/mother/daughter/son. The fact that the woods are infested with orcs/goblins/giant spiders/wargs somehow slipped their minds because they are too busy talking about Legolas' TRAUMATIC, ANGSTFILLED PAST.

All of a sudden, they are attacked by orcs/goblins/giant spiders/wargs! They try to fight off the orcs/goblins/giant spiders/wargs but one of the orcs/goblins/giant spiders/wargs knocks them both out.

They wake up in a dungeon somewhere and Aragorn cries about his misfortunes, and Legolas cries about how the dungeon reminds him of his TRAUMATIC, ANGSTFILLED PAST. Either Aragorn or Legolas is injured in some way so they cannot move around too much. One of them is trying to help the other get up when an orc/goblin/giant spider/warg comes in, it drags them out, starts beating them up, and forces them both to do hard labour. So, Aragorn and Legolas do hard labour (despite one of them being seriously injured) whilst being constantly whipped to work faster. It is during this time that Aragorn finds out more about Legolas' TRAUMATIC, ANGSTFILLED PAST and they become GREAT BUDDIES!

_[Insert extremely long escape scene here]_

Legolas and Aragorn manage to escape, one carrying the injured one back to Rivendell to get healed, even though they are near Mirkwood and Rivendell is a hell of a long way. Aragorn and Legolas get healed by Elrond _blah blah blah_. Legolas and Aragorn become best friends, and stuff happens _blah blah blah _and they were both known as the awesomest, manliest/elfiest people in Middle Earth.

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_A/N:_

_It is at this point that I must WARN you that the next parody will be a parody of LEGOMANCE FANFICTION. If you don't want to read that chapter, I don't blame you. Or you could read it just for the LULZ. Just keep in mind that I had to suffer writing lovey-dovey-mushy-gushy stuff like that for your enjoyment._

_So, how about that review you were going to post right now?_


	4. Legomance

_A/N:_

_I am sorry if this chapter contains sub-standard parodying but you must understand how painful it was to write this. To the person who invented the word 'Legomance': I don't care who you are, I don't care where you are. I will personally hunt you down and twist your head off. Then again, if we didn't have Legomance, we wouldn't have all those super awesome parodies of them, would we?_

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**LEGOMANCE (YUCK)**

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One day, the elfiest of elves, the prince of Mirkwood, is now abandoning his princely duties to go to Gondor. Why is he going? He had just been invited to his best-est buddy, Aragorn's wedding. So anyway, he says goodbye to his father/mother/brothers/sisters/friends/loyal subjects and is now riding his noble steed, [insert cheesy elvish horse name], to Gondor.

He gets there in 5 minutes (despite the fact that Mirkwood is really far from Gondor) and since he is hours early to the wedding, he starts a conversation with some elves that are next to him. They don't mind. They love talking to good ol' Legolas (who turns from 'prince of Mirkwood' to 'Legolas' immediately). One of the elves in the group is Glorfindel/Erestor/Elrond and he introduces Legolas to his daughter/niece/friend! Dear Leggy sees that she is the most beautifully-beautiful female elf (or _elleth_, if you want to be technical) he has ever seen! He instantly falls in love with her!

_[insert 5000 chapters describing how beautiful the elf is and how Legolas is going all googly-eyed]_

So anyway, while Legolas is going googly-eyed, the elf introduces herself as _[insert really long and cheesy elvish name]_. (For your convenience, we will call her Galadrielfrodogondorwyn). Anyway, notices how OMG-hawt Legolas is and she is going all googly-eyed too! So now, both of them are going googly-eyed at each other.

_[insert chapter about how googly-eyed they both are]_

Being the elfiest of elves, our truly awesome protagonist picks up the courage to say some pretty mushy-gushy stuff too. Galadrielfrodogondorwyn says some pretty mushy-gushy stuff back to him.

_[insert chapter made up entirely of mushy-gushy dialogue]_

Glorfindel/Erestor/Elrond instantly realizes what a perfect match Legolas and are! The group of elves walk away silently as to not disturb the _googly-eyed_-ness. After 5 or so hours of _googly-eyed_-ness, it is time for the wedding to begin! There is this whole description about how beautiful the wedding ceremony was _blah blah blah_. After 10 or so chapters, the wedding ceremony is over and it is time for the reception. Luckily, Legolas and Galadrielfrodogondorwyn manage to find seats right next to each other so they can say more mushy stuff. Everyone, even Aragorn and Arwen (whose wedding it _actually_ is) notice what a perfect Galadrielfrodogondorwynand Legolas are and are happy that he finally managed to hold down a girlfriend after hundreds of years of existence.

_[insert random comments of guests at the wedding]_

It is now very late at night and the wedding is over. Everyone says goodnight to each other and go home. Never mind the fact that everyone's homes are really far away. They get home in 5 minutes. Before leaving, Legolas, being the elfiest of elves, makes the last minute decision to take Galadrielfrodogondorwyn with him so he can introduce her to his father/mother/brothers/sisters/friends/loyal subjects. So, Legolas and Galadrielfrodogondorwyn ride back to Mirkwood on Legolas' trusty steed, [insert cheesy elvish horse name], and arrive there in 3 seconds.

Legolas and Galadrielfrodogondorwyn are strolling through Mirkwood when they are attacked by orcs/wargs/giant spiders/goblins/jealous fangirls! The orcs/wargs/giant spiders/goblins/jealous fangirls try to kill Legolas and Galadrielfrodogondorwyn because they hate them/feel like it/are jealous. They both get their weapons out (don't ask me where they got them from) and start battling the orcs/wargs/giant spiders/goblins/jealous fangirls!

_[insert whole chapter of awesome, orcs/warg/giant spider/goblin/jealous fangirl killing action]_

Legolas and Galadrielfrodogondorwyn are about to win the battle when all of a sudden, an orc/warg/giant spider/goblin/jealous fangirl stabs/stings/bitch-slaps Galadrielfrodogondorwyn! She falls over unconscious and Legolas is left to battle the rest of the orcs/wargs/giant spiders/goblins/jealous fangirls by himself. After all the (holy crap, I don't want to repeat myself) _enemies_ are dead, Legolas is all worried and he rushes over to Galadrielfrodogondorwyn and realizes that she is really injured/dying/asleep. He uses all his elfy strength to carry Galadrielfrodogondorwyn back to his house, where some healer or some witch doctor (most likely someone without an actual degree in medicine) can fix her. So Legolas dumps Galadrielfrodogondorwyn on some bed in the healing place and he is getting all worked up and worried that he is distracting the healers and they have to knock him out. He wakes up ages later and finds that Galadrielfrodogondorwyn is completely healed! It turns out, the healers managed to heal her in 5 seconds!

Legolas and Galadrielfrodogondorwyn decided to celebrate by saying more mushy-gushy stuff to each other. Then they decide to get married! Never mind the fact that they have only known each other for less than a day. True love (if you can call it _love_) conquers all! Anyway, Legolas goes off to tell his father/mother/brother/sisters/friends/loyal subjects that he is going to get married to Galadrielfrodogondorwyn. Everyone is happy because they see that Galadrielfrodogondorwyn is so beautifully-beautiful and brave for totally killing those orcs/wargs/giant spiders/goblins/jealous fangirls. Everyone is certain that they are the best, most awesome, bravest couple in the ENTIRE WORLD!

They hold a gigantinormous wedding the next day, and Legolas and Galadrielfrodogondorwyn live happily ever after with their one/two/five-hundred children!

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_A/N:_

_I'm glad that's over and done with. For a second there, I thought I was going to throw my laptop across the room. If you would want to know more about magnificently bad Legomance FanFiction, there is one such Fanfiction that fits that description called 'Legolas by Laura'. You can read it on this site, or search it up on YouTube or Google. Now that this atrocity is completed, I am going to work on a nice, squishy Legolas-is-a-little-elfling-and-he-goes-to-Rivendell-and-stuff-happens parody._

_Every time you think about reviewing this story but do not, ten crappy Legomance stories are uploaded on FanFiction._

_THINK OF THE CHILDREN. LEAVE A REVIEW._


	5. Adventure

**ADVENTURE**

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Once upon a time, there lived a little elfling named Legolas. One day, his parents decided to send him off to Rivendell for some reason. Don't ask why. Even though little Legolas is only, what, five years old or something, he rides by himself to Rivendell without a hitch. In fact, he rides there so fast that he manages to cover the hundreds of kilometres between Mirkwood and Rivendell in less than five minutes. So anyway, Legolas has now arrived at Rivendell and he is greeted by Elrond/Ellrohir/Elladan/Arwen/Glorfindel/some elvish arsehole. The elves of Rivendell have now promised to look after Legolas so he doesn't die/get eaten/get kidnapped by orcs/wargs/giant spiders/goblins (all of which will happen to him when he is older). Elrond/Elrohir/Elladan/Arwen/Glorfinadel/somebody shows our young protagonist where he is going to sleep during his stay in Rivendell. During this time, there is a lot of random dialogue and stuff going on, and everyone realises that he is on steroids because Legolas jumps around everywhere.

_[insert whole chapter of Legolas doing random stuff]_

Anyway, it is now eight o'clock (or something) at night and time for Elrond/Elrohir/Elladan/Arwen/Glorfindel/somebody to put little Leggy to sleep. They lovingly drag him to him room, and lovingly shove him in his bed. They tell him a bedtime story about a random, dangerous place in Rivendell and now, Legolas is even more excited than before! He wants to go visit this place now! Elrond/Elrohir/Elladan/Arwen/Glorfindel/somebody tells him to shut the hell up, and go to sleep because it is too dangerous to go on an adventure so late at night. They leave the room to let Legolas get some sleep. Anyway, once they are out of the room, Legolas immediately jumps out of his bed, puts on some decent clothes or whatever, and is ready for adventure! Yeah!

He literally jumps out the window without getting so much as a single scratch on him, and runs around in search of this 'dangerous place'. No one else realizes that Legolas is running around like a maniac outside because they are too busy doing elfy things. Anyway, Legolas gets this brainwave, and he magically figures out which direction the 'dangerous place' is! He walks in that direction and after a while, he gets totally lost! Oh no! What if he gets killed/eaten/kidnapped by orcs/wargs/giant spiders/goblins? Well, that isn't going to happen, right? He's in Rivendell, surely nothing bad will ever happen there. Well, let's find out.

While everyone is doing random, _safe_ things back in Elrond's nice little house/palace/place of residence, five year old Legolas is out wandering about at night, hopelessly lost. Luckily, Legolas sees a bird/squirrel/random animal. Being an elf, Legolas can talk to animals. So anyway, Legolas starts talking to the bird/squirrel/random animal and it starts talking back to him in plain English (or Westron or whatever the hell you call 'English' in Tolkien's world).

_[insert super-weird conversation with bird/squirrel/random animal]_

Within five seconds, Legolas and the bird/squirrel/random animal are friends! Unfortunately, the bird/squirrel/random animal is EVIL, and has a grudge against elves for some crazy reason. Legolas stupidly asks the bird/squirrel/random animal where the 'dangerous place' is. The bird/squirrel/random animal takes this as an opportunity to get our awesome elfling killed so it leads Legolas to the 'dangerous place'. When they get there, Legolas realizes that the 'dangerous place' is a cliff (or something you could fall off and get hurt). The bird/squirrel/random animal pushes Legolas off the cliff (or whatever) and he _dies_...or so it may seem.

Meanwhile, back in Elrond's little house/palace/place of residence, Elrond/Elrohir/Elladan/Arwen/Glorfindel/somebody comes back to check on Legolas. They open the door and realise that he is _gone_! (No surprise _there_.) Everyone goes completely crazy and start running around looking for him. Elrond/Elrohir/Elladan/Arwen/Glorfindel/somebody remembers the crazy bedtime story about the 'dangerous place' that he/she told Legolas and they instantly know that he has gone in search of this place (because he's an _idiot_, that's why). Anyway, they all go to the 'dangerous place' to see if he's there and just as they suspect, he is at the bottom of the cliff/place you can fall off. They all scream about the fact that Legolas could be dead, and how his parents will probably kill them all _blah blah blah_. Whilst they are wallowing in their misfortunes, Legolas starts yelling at them to help him from the bottom of the cliff. So, Elrond/Elrohir/Elladan/Arwen/Glorfindel/somebody asks him if he is okay (which is a stupid question because you can't just fall off a cliff and _not_ have a bad injury). Everyone forms this human ladder, or _elf_ ladder, to try and save leggy Leggylass.

_[insert ten chapters describing elaborate rescuing techniques etc.]_

Finally, they manage to rescue our dear little elfling. They soon find out he has broken his arm/leg/ribcage/head and have to take him to the healers immediately! So, they all suddenly arrive back at Elrond's house/palace/place of residence, and take Legolas to the healers where he is instantly healed (despite having broken about a million bones). Everyone decides not to tell Legolas' parents about the whole falling-off-a-cliff-and-almost-dying drama because they might kill them/lock them up in a dungeon. The story ends with everyone hugging and saying a whole lot of random crap that just pisses off the reader.

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_A/N:_

_Well, there's the squishy little Legolas fanfic parody for you. A bit too squishy? I agree. That's why the Legolas fanfic genre I'm going to parody next will be the TRAGEDY genre. I'm sure that some of you Legolas haters will love this one! If not, well, that's your problem (NOTE: __You can easily fix this problem by leaving a review. If you choose not to, then you will be depressed for the rest of your life)._


	6. Tragedy

_A/N:_

_I got a few readers telling me about how squishy and cute that last chapter was so, I am going to try and depress you all by parodying a __tragedy fic__. Please remember to review and if you want, add this to your favourites. It will make me really happy, and will help you overcome the sheer sadness that you will surely experience reading this parody (ironically)._

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**THE TRAGEDY OF MACLEG**

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One day, the hobbits, Aragorn and, of course, good ol' Legolas were walking through Fangorn Forest. There is absolutely no reason why. They just _are_. Anyway, they are just having a leisurely stroll when Legolas decides to climb to the top of a really tall tree. Once again, there is no reason as to why he climbs it. He just does. While he is in the tree, a bird/squirrel/insect/arachnid/something crawls over Legolas' hand/arm/leg/foot/back/chest/whatever, and it startles him so much that he falls out of a tree. Being the elfiest of elves, you'd probably think that he would land on his feet- oh wait, that only applies to _cats_. My bad!

Anyway, he falls out of the tree and _does not_ land on his feet. Instead, he lands on his back/arm/leg/stomach/not his feet and is SERIOUSLY INJURED! Well, at least injured enough to not be able to walk anymore. The hobbits and Aragorn rush to their friend who is now moaning about how much pain he is in, how he can't get up _blah blah blah_ and they try to help him up. It doesn't work (for obvious reasons) and they have to resort to placing him on a horse that has now randomly turned up in the middle of a damn forest. So now, the hobbits and Aragorn are left to find their way back out of Fangorn whilst dragging Legolas along on the horse.

All of a sudden, a bird/squirrel/insect/arachnid/something spooks the horse. The horse goes absolutely mental, and it accidentally knocks Pippin over. Even though there are three other hobbits available for use, most FanFiction authors like to use Pippin as their victim. Anyway, Aragorn and the rest of the hobbits manage to calm the horse down, and they rush over to Pippin to see if he is alright. Pippin is lying on the ground with a lot of cuts/bruises/broken bones and obviously, he is _not_ alright. Aragorn and the other hobbits run off to find some magical plant that can heal Pippin, leaving Legolas and Pippin by themselves.

While Aragorn and the other hobbits are gone, some orcs/goblins/evil men come trudging along Fangorn! They see Legolas and Pippin and run over to them. Instead of killing them, the orcs/goblins/evil men ask Legolas and Pippin who they are, what they are doing, if they are okay _blah blah blah_. Legolas and Pippin say what their names are, that they are injured _blah blah blah_. The orcs/goblins/evil men figure out who Legolas is, that he's important, his dad is loaded with money and stuff like that, so they decide to kidnap him! They leave a ransom note addressed to Legolas' dad demanding a hell of a lot of money, chuck Legolas and Pippin on the horse and leave Fangorn. Of course, Legolas' dad won't be trudging through Fangorn any time soon, making leaving the note totally useless.

When Aragorn and the other hobbits return, they realize that their friends have been kidnapped! How did they find out? They just did. They magically find out which direction the orcs/goblins/evil men have gone and start following them.

While Aragorn and the hobbits are doing that, Pippin and Legolas are being dragged the long distance between Fangorn and the orcs'/goblins'/evil men's cave/house of evil/hide-out. Pippin is crying because of his misfortunes and Legolas is either trying to tell Pippin it's okay by talking saying all this stuff in elvish _or_, he is also crying about being kidnapped because it reminds him of his ANGST-FILLED PAST! Being the elfiest of elves, good ol' Legolas leaves a trail of breadcrumbs/rocks/whatever on the ground so Aragorn and the hobbits can follow them, a bit like in Hansel and Gretel. Maybe the title of this chapter should be changed to Hippin and Gretelas? Nah, it's meant to be a tragedy, right? Can't get too fairytale-ish with these tragedy stories. Anyway, the orcs/goblins/evil men realize that either Legolas and Pippin are leaving a breadcrumb/rock/whatever trail on the ground. The orcs/goblins/evil men get angry, and they beat up/yell at/whip/punch/do something unpleasant to Legolas and Pippin. Pippin cries, Legolas says stuff in elvish to Pippin _blah blah blah_ and the orcs/goblins/evil men laugh evilly. Pippin completely loses it, and he tries to attack the orcs/goblins/evil men.

_[insert long chapter describing Pippin attacking the orcs/goblins/evil men]_

The orcs/goblins/evil men get their swords/axes/weapons of mass destruction, and kill Pippin! Well, all he did was cry and he didn't have a dad with a billion-gazillion pounds so he wasn't of much use to the orcs/goblins/evil men anyway. So now, Pippin is dying and the kidnappers are going "_MWAHAHAHA!_" and they drag our screaming and crying protagonist off with the horse. Yeah, the horse is _still_ there.

Meanwhile, Aragorn and the other hobbits spot the trail of breadcrumbs/rocks/whatever that Legolas left and they follow it. They cover a distance of about fifty kilometres in two minutes and they see Pippin! Pippin is obviously dead at this point, and Aragorn and the hobbits are left to wallow in misery and cry a lot. A shovel magically appears and they bury Pippin right there and then. There is this really long description of the really short funeral service and Aragorn and the hobbits are back to tracking Legolas. This takes a longer time than five seconds.

Anyway, back to Legolas and the orcs/goblins/evil men. Legolas is being all sad and everything because Pippin died, and he is feeling guilty because he couldn't use his SUPER-AWESOME-ORC/GOBLIN/EVIL MAN-KILLING POWERS. As they are nearing the cave/house of evil/hide-out, the orcs/goblins/evil men realize that leaving the ransom note in Fangorn was _totally pointless_ and they send one of their own henchmen to Mirkwood to do some face-to-face negotiation (or blackmail) with dear Leggy's dad. So this guy goes off and makes the plot line even more complicated than it already is while the rest of the orcs/goblins/evil men drag Legolas and the horse to the cave/house of evil/hide-out.

Okay, so the guy who got sent to Mirkwood arrives there in five minutes, despite the long distance. He _somehow_ gets through Mirkwood unharmed and _somehow_ gets past all the creepy elves and_somehow _manages to waltz right into Leggylass' dad's house/palace/place of residence, even though there are magic doors and whatnot (gosh that was a long sentence). Anyway, this guy goes right up to Legolas' dad's face and says stuff like "_Give us the money!_" and "_We're gonna kill Leggylass! MWAHAHAHA!_". For obvious reasons, Legolas' dad locks the guy up for kidnapping and attempted murder. The guy realizes how stupid he and the other orcs/goblins/evil men are, and figures out the flaw in the ransom plan. He spends the rest of his life locked up in some dungeon.

With that guy out of the way, the story gets simpler: Aragorn and the hobbits are still trying to track down Legolas and the orcs/goblins/evil men. The orcs/goblins/evil men decide to take a break from travelling and just sit down on some patch of grass...in full view of anyone who happens to be walking past. Legolas doesn't' try to escape because _a)_ he broke his leg/arm/ribcage/something and _b)_ he can't be bothered. So, he just sits there wallowing in his misery and feeling guilty about Pippin. All of a sudden, Aragorn and the hobbits jump in and in a huge act of bravado, they kill all the orcs/goblins/evil men with their trusty swords/axes/weapons of mass destruction!

_[insert 50 chapters of orc/goblin/evil man killing action]_

When all the orcs/goblins/evil men are dead, Aragorn goes up to Legolas, who is wallowing in his misery, and _still_ tries to get him up. They stick him on the horse (who is still there) and they all head for Minas Tirith. Even though Minas Tirith is _really_ far, they manage to get there almost instantly and they chuck Legolas in the healing place (or whatever it's called). The healers manage to fix Legolas in a second and once again, Legolas goes back to wallowing in his misery and guilt. Aragorn goes up to him and asks him what is wrong, and Legolas tells the really long story of what happened to Pippin _blah blah blah_.

_[insert really long chapter of Legolas telling the sad and depressing story]_

When he is done, Aragorn is on the verge of tears, and he realizes that what happened to Legolas is SUPER-TRAUMATIC AND ANGSTY so he just leaves him alone. Sadly, he shouldn't have. Legolas is so depressed and miserable and is so guilty that he kills himself in this really descriptive and original way.

_[Normally, most stories like this end at that point, but some FanFiction authors like to depress their readers even further by killing off more characters.]_

Aragorn comes back to check up on his elvish buddy when he sees that his friend has, in fact, killed himself in an incredibly original way. In an extremely out-of-place display of diplomacy, Aragorn decides to write a lengthy letter to Legolas' bazillionaire dad, informing him that his son has committed suicide. Promptly after finishing the letter and handing it over to a messenger to deliver (who magically appears right next to him), Aragorn throws himself off Minas Tirith and dies. The messenger, unaware of the ridiculous amounts of death have occurred in the last few paragraphs alone, delivers the message to Leggy's dad in Mirkwood.

The messenger arrives just in time to see Leggy's dad yelling at his butler (because most FanFiction authors simply cannot live without having some sort of master-servant maltreatment in their stories) and in the hopes of not getting locked in the dungeon like the orc/goblin/evil man, kinda plonks the message on the desk or something. Anyway, Leggy's dad stops yelling at his traumatized butler and reads the letter, only to be more traumatized than his butler at finding out his traumatized son has killed himself in an original way. As the saying goes, _"like father, like son"_, Leggy's dad also kills himself in an original way out of sheer depression and sheer disregard of the future of Mirkwood.

* * *

_A/N:_

_Well, that was a bit longer than I expected. I just hope you didn't get bored reading it. The next Legolas fanfic I am going to parody are the Legostupid ones. That's a new term I made up for those fanfics where Legolas does a whole bunch of really stupid things and gets himself into a heap of trouble. _

_On another note, I just found out that subliminal messaging doesn't work leave a review._


	7. Legostupid

_A/N:_

_Thanks for your reviews! They're great and I do agree that I have too much spare time. Anyway, before writing this parody, I had to read a couple of Legostupid fics before writing this. For those of you who have not read a Legostupid fic, here is a quick summary/parody on them._

* * *

**LEGOSTUPID**

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One day, Legolas was ignoring his princely duties and hanging out at Minas Tirith with his best manly buddy, Aragorn. Recently, Aragorn (who is the King of Gondor) and his elf girlfriend, Arwen, had just gotten married so that was all cool. Unfortunately, some ordinary civilians/soldiers/peasants in Minas Tirith don't really like elves. Why? Because they just don't. They aren't too happy about their manly king marrying an elf so they bitch/spread rumours/gossip to Arwen and our protagonist, Legolas. Anyway, one day, everyone in Minas Tirith is celebrating the wedding in some local pub down the road. The elf-hating civilians/soldiers/peasants are sitting in a corner bitching/spreading rumours/gossiping about Arwen. For some reason (probably ignoring his princely duties again), Legolas is at the pub and he overhears the elf-haters bitching/spreading rumours/gossiping about Arwen and how elves suck _blah blah blah_. Legolas gets a bit sad/angry/annoyed because he doesn't like people bitching/spreading rumours/gossiping about Arwen because he was a childhood friend/friend/ex-lover of hers. He goes up to them and lectures them on not bitching/spreading rumours/gossiping about her and how she is nice _blah blah blah_. He skips happily away completely pleased with himself. This doesn't go down too well with the elf haters and they vow to GET REVENGE!

_[insert a few chapters where nothing of importance goes on]_

It is suddenly nearing midnight and Legolas decides to take a midnight stroll. Never mind that there are elf-haters running around everywhere; he doesn't really care. Anyway, he walks through a dark alley (you know what's going to happen), and standing there are the elf-hating citizens/soldiers/peasants and in their hands are swords/knives/axes/pitchforks/flaming torches/clubs! The leader of the pack (who has a very cheesy sounding Gondorian name) leads the attack and all the elf-haters run up to Legolas and beat/stab/cut/burn/poke him! After a very long time (a couple hundred chapters), they leave him lying on the street with a lot of cuts/bruises/broken bones. Instead of crying because the attack reminds him of his ANGST-FILLED PAST, Legolas just gets up and walks back to Aragorn's house/palace/place of residence, which just goes to show how awesome he is. When he walks in, he sees Aragorn and Arwen just sitting around, despite the fact that it is past midnight. They see him and ask stuff about what happened, why he looks so horrible _blah blah blah_. Legolas doesn't say anything because he doesn't want them to know that people hate Arwen. He just trudges up the stairs to his bedroom (he has a bedroom, by the way) and he goes to straight to sleep.

The next morning, Legolas gets out of bed and makes his way downstairs to eat breakfast with Aragorn, Arwen and anyone else who might be there. Since he didn't take a shower or even change his clothes, he still looks horrible and battered and whatever. Everyone is so shocked that they drag our awesome elf protagonist off to the healers to get, well, _healed_. Anyway, they manage to heal him but he isn't healed completely! Oh noes! He still has scabs/open wounds/broken bones/bruises/any other injury he may have sustained. The healers tell leggy Leggylass to stay in bed, not go anywhere and well, not do anything _stupid_. I don't know what you think but this is a _Legostupid_ story so he's obviously bound to do something stupid.

The healers leave and Legolas is just staying in his room when he gets a _stupid_ idea, to go and re-lecture the elf-haters AGAIN! Will he ever learn? This time, he decides to take his sword/knife/bow-and-arrow/weapon of mass destruction with him. He sneaks out of the house/palace/place of residence at night to try and find the elf-haters despite the fact that he hasn't been fully healed. He is just that _stupid_. After looking around for a while, he magically gets a brainwave and figures out where the elf-haters all are! He finds the elf-haters in five seconds and he starts lecturing them! He then turns around and leave but then, the leader of the elf-haters (the one with the cheesy Gondorian name) tries to kill Leggy!

_[insert 50 chapters describing the fight]_

Legolas gets out his sword/knife/bow-and-arrow/weapon of mass destruction and he stabs/shoots/blasts the guy. The guy is now dying (or dead, doesn't really matter) and Legolas is happy, even though he's got a billion more injuries than last time. He somehow manages to walk back to Aragorn's house/palace/place of residence, grows so brains on the way and goes straight to the healers, _again_. The healers are all thinking "_How the hell did he get out?_" and they heal him almost immediately but this time, they lock the windows and doors and anything that Legolas might be able to get through.

Suddenly, it is the next day and Aragorn and Arwen somehow found out what happened to the elfiest of elves so, they go up to visit him. They go up to him and ask him what happened _blah blah blah _Arwen tells Legolas not to do something that stupid again _blah blah blah_ and everyone hugs. Then, Aragorn gets angry! He marches right up to the elf-haters (god knows how he found them) and he lectures them. He tells them that if they had accidentally killed Leggy, then Leggy's dad would have come down, beat the living crap out of them, and lock them up in a dungeon for the rest of their lives. The elf-haters say they are sorry, and everyone lives happily ever after!

* * *

_A/N:_

_Well, that was a bit stupid sounding but it is understandable because it's a parody of a Legostupid fic. However, the next parody will be a Legolas-is-an-elfling-and-he-is-at-home-and-he-gets-a-present. Another squishy fic for you to read :D_


	8. Family

_A/N:_

_I had to read a couple of these kinds of stories before I could write this parody. I almost died from the over-squishiness. Anyway, I hope you're not feeling sick and tired of getting a lot of updates from me about this story._

* * *

**FAMILY**

* * *

One day, (you guessed it) Legolas was staying at home just sitting around. Why? Because he is only five years old (_again?_) and can do nothing apart from ignore his princely duties. Anyway, he is sitting around waiting for his dad (whose name I cannot spell) to come home from a business trip/holiday/meeting/wild party in Rivendell. Poor lil' Legolas is left alone in his house/palace/place of residence, and is too lonely/depressed/bored to think of anything else to better fill his time. Never mind the fact that there are a billion other elves he could talk to. He is an anti-social, yet totally awesome elfling.

While Legolas is sulking back in Mirkwood, his dad, whats-his-face, is just about to leave Rivendell after his business trip/holiday/meeting/wild party when Elrohir and Elladan, the super-weird sons of Elrond, run up to whats-his-face and mug- I mean, _gently approach_ him. Even though Ellrohir and Elladan are thousands of years older than leggy Leggylass, they are magically around the same age as him. Anyway, they run up to Legolas' dad, and give him some weird animal. The animal is a bug/caterpillar/squirrel/bird/something! Ellohir and Elladan say that they want whats-his-face to give the bug/caterpillar/squirrel/bird/something as a present (a pretty weird one, if you ask me) to Legolas! Yeah! Whats-his-face accepts the gift, and he goes through all these weird and confusing flashbacks. He goes on his horse, and starts the incredibly long and tedious journey back to good ol' Mirkwood (presumably, still coming down from a massive hangover).

He gets there in less than five seconds. Being the elfiest of elves, Legolas uses his awesomely awesome pyschic powers to find out that his dad is back. He runs out of the house/palace/place of residence, and all this squishy father-son stuff happens.

_[insert long description of cheesy and squishy father-son bonding]_

After while, whats-his-face and Legolas go back to the house/palace/place of residence, and whats-his-face gives Legolas the bug/caterpillar/squirrel/bird/something! Legolas finally stops being so lonely/depressed/bored and he takes the bug/caterpillar/squirrel/bird/something in his hands and runs off to his bedroom to play with it. Suddenly, DISASTER STRIKES! While he is playing with the bug/caterpillar/squirrel/bird/something, Legolas accidentally squishes it/it dies. This event could have possibly been the start of his TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST but, we'll never know. Anyway, Leggy runs out of the room screaming his head off and crying and whatnot. He is so loud that his dad comes running out of the dining room/kitchen/bedroom/bathroom (_with_ clothing, you perverts) to see what the hell is going on. He sees itty bitty Leggylass crying or whatever and he walks up to him and asks him what is wrong. Legolas tells the whole story about how he was playing with the bug/caterpillar/squirrel/bird/something and when he accidentally squished it, it died. Then he cries some more, and moans about how TRAUMATIC and ANGST-FILLED his life has become. Whats-his-face sits down with our awesome, but sad, protagonist and tells him that it is okay, to not cry _blah blah blah_. All of a sudden, everything is better, they both hug, stuff happens, the other random elves who happen to be walking past go "_Awwwww_" because it is so squishy and everyone lives happily ever after. Then again, when Legolas gets older, he's going to get attacked by orcs and stuff so, THEY LIVE HAPPILY FOR A WHILE.

The end.

* * *

_Okay guise, it's been two or so years sice I last updated this. Technically, it's complete but __I have finally uploaded new chapters to this story for all of you who want to continue reading this kind of stuff (of course you do)._


	9. Meet the Parents

_A/N:_

_In celebration of completing my exams, I have finally decided to get on my lazy arse, and write a bonus chapter for my loyal readers. It has been many a year, mes camarades, that a new chapter has been written for this fanfic but never fear for you shall live to see another chapter._

_While browsing through the sea of shit that is 'The Lord of the Rings' FanFiction archive, I saw that a NEW genre of Leggylass FanFiction has arisen from the darkest parts of the briny depths: **Meet the Parents**. (no, not the Ben Stiller movie). In the genre of **Meet the Parents**, Legolas decides that it is about time that Gimli and Gimli's dad met his own extremely racist, man-bitch of a dad in Mirkwood. After that, pretty much the same stuff happens in these kinds of stories._

* * *

**MEET THE PARENTS**

* * *

One day, our elfy protagonist, while once again ignoring his princely duties, decided that he wanted to backpack around Middle Earth for some sightseeing with one of his bestest buddies in the whole world. No, not his super-manly friend, Aragorn, but Gimli, his fat Scottish dwarf friend. Likely, Gimli was only second choice for a travel buddy since Aragorn was too busy doing stuff (like _not _ignoring his duties). Anyway, while planning their travel itinerary using the appendices of Tolkien's book, Gimli starts blabbering on about how he is going to miss his dad, Gloin son of Genitals (aka. Groin) during their tour of Middle Earth. All of a sudden, Legolas remembers something! While spending the last few how-many years galivanting with manly-men and hobbits, killing orcs/wargs/goblins/giant spiders/evil men, and reliving his TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST, he completely forgot that his dad, whats-his-face, actually exists! What a great son!

He quickly reminds Gimli that being such a great son, he has completely forgotten about his dad and how they should just cancel all their other plans (including that package tour of Fangorn Forest and Sparkly Caves), and head straight for Mirkwood so that he can visit his dad. Gimli, being a fat Scottish dwarf, is well aware that Legolas' dad is supremely racist against fat Scottish dwarves, and refuses. Gimli informs him that his own dad, Gloin son of Genitals, was a victim of Legolas' dad's uber-racism, and was thrown in a dungeon (along with the rest of the dwarvish tour-group) for being fat Scottish dwarves and failing to cooperate with border security.

Many FanFiction authors, at this point, like to defend Legolas' dad's racism by mentioning that he had a TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST that involved fat Scottish dwarves killing a couple of guys over some (probably fake) jewelry, but it doesn't change the fact that he still violated a million racial-vilification laws.

Anyway, Legolas, being naive yet totally awesome, tells Gimli that his dad was probably just having a bad day/hungover, and didn't mean it. He tells Gimli that it is totally safe in Mirkwood apart from the fact that it is infested with giant spiders/orcs/wargs/goblins/evil men. All of a sudden, Legolas gets an idea! Why not bring along Gimli's dad with them to Mirkwood? What could go wrong with bringing along fat Scottish dwarves to a place filled with people who hate fat Scottish dwarves?

Then, Gimli's dad magically appears next to them, and the three of them set off for Mirkwood.

_[Insert long description of the trip, including banter from Gloin son of Genitals about how whats-his-face is a racist son-of-a-bitch and how this trip is a really bad idea]_

The happy trio arrive in Mirkwood in about 5 seconds (magic) and being the elfiest of elves, Legolas talks about how much he likes trees, how awesome trees are, how he wants to marry a tree _blah blah blah_. Gloin son of Genitals, however, does not like trees or elfy elf songs about trees, and being a trigger-happy (handle-happy?) dwarf, he pulls out his axe in order to defend himself against the trees. This action triggers a troupe of Aryan elves to spawn out of nowhere who then attempt to detain Gimli and his dad for once again, failing to comply with border security measures by not disposing of any weapons and failing to declare any wooden items. At this point, Gloin son of Genitals lets loose a string of mandatory Dwarfish curse words like _"Hjaskdbfkhas" _and _"Gsadufadsfs" _which aggravate Mirkwood border security even more.

As things begin to look like they will ugly, Legolas jumps in and saves the day! He tells border security (who, for some reason, didn't see that he was there) to stop harassing his travel buddies, and convinces them that quarantine does not apply to them because his dad runs the joint. The gang of Aryan elves are totally shocked! They realise that leggy Leggylass, the elfiest of elves, is still alive, and has NOT been killed by giant spiders/orcs/wargs/goblins/evil men in the many years he was away. Ignoring their business with the fat Scottish dwarves, the Aryans proceed to tell leggy Leggylass that his whats-his-face's hair has probably gone grey and that he has probably developed cardiac problems. Why? Because apparently, if you send your kid off to a business meeting and expect him to come back in time for lunch, but find out later that he has gone on a suicidal roadtrip around Middle Earth, you might get a bit worried. Moral of the story? If you want something done right, do it yourself.

Anyway, Legolas feels all guilty that he is the cause of his dad's (possible) cardiac problems.

_[Insert description of how Legolas is all guilty that he probably freaked the shit out of his dad, Gimli telling him it's okay, and Gloin son of Genitals saying something along the lines of "Ha! I hope he needs a triple bypass!"]_

The trio skip merrily along to whats-his-face's house/palace/place of residence to greet him/complain about the ridiculously strict border security. They look around and see that whats-his-face is nowhere to be found. At this point, whats-his-face's butler, _el galleon español_- I mean, _Galion_ (who, surprisingly, does not have the generic butler name of Alfonso/Alfred/Albert/Winston) comes up to them and informs them that leggy Leggylass' dad is in his bedroom/library/office/wine cellar wallowing in his misery, and likely disinfecting his internal organs with a cocktail of Dorwinion and Absinthe (a drink commonly known as '_I HATE MY LIVER'_).

_[Insert another description of how shocked and worried Legolas is about his dad, Gimli telling him it's okay, and Gloin son of Genitals saying something along the lines of "Ha! I hope he gets alcohol poisoning!"]_

The 17th Century Spanish trading ship butler shows them to whats-his-face's bedroom/library/office/wine cellar to meet whats-his-face. The three walk in the room and Legolas sees that whats-his-face is in this really foreboding-looking dark room with a dim fireplace, and lying hammered on the floor. Legolas runs up to his dad, and gives him a big hug (whats-his-face has magically sobered up). At this point, they both have this father-son mushy talk about how much they missed each other, how worried whats-his-face was, having a mandatory _"DON'T PULL THAT SHIT AGAIN, SON" _lecture _blah blah blah_. All of a sudden, whats-his-face sees Gimli and Gloin son of Genitals! Those damn fat Scottish dwarves! Whats-his-face flips out, and launches into a tirade of racist slurs, and elvish swearing.

_[Insert description of whats-his-face losing it in his foreboding-looking dark room, making the situation THAT much scarier.]_

At this point, Gimli's dad jumps in and threatens to DWARF-SMASH! the living crap out of Legolas' dad for freaking everyone out. Both of them yell obscenities at each other, and are about to knock each others' blocks off when Legolas and Gimli jump in and stop them (the referee was not available). They both push each others' dads to the side, and complain about how they're _"ruining my life!"_. You know, something like those reactions that pubescent teens have when their parents refuse to take out a second mortgage so they can buy that flashy car.

Anyway, everyone calms down, and Legolas brings up this _great_ idea that will bring everyone closer together! Yeah! Of course, this idea will be total bollocks, considering the fact that his first idea was total bollocks. Legolas suggests that Gloin son of Genitals and whats-his-face go out into the giant spider/orc/warg/goblin/evil men-infested woods, and have a nice relaxing stroll. Whats-his-face and Gloin son of Genitals grumble about it but decide to do it FOR THEIR KIDS. AWWWWW. The two go off into the woods, and leggy Leggylass and Gimli, feeling pleased, go off to play Monopoly or whatever.

Meanwhile in the giant spider/orc/warg/goblin/evil men-infested woods, whats-his-face and Gimli's dad are not actually getting along well (I told you the plan wouldn't work). Gloin son of Genitals keeps calling whats-his-face a _"STUPID, TREE-HUGGING, RACIST, MOTHERF***ING SON-OF-A-BITCH, ELF, ARSEHOLE, [insert more derogatory terms here]"_, and whats-his-face keeps calling Gloin son of Genitals a _"[insert Monty Python quote]"_.

_[Insert more description of whats-his-face and Gimli's dad calling each other names.]_

All of a sudden, a giant spider/orc/warg/goblin/evil man jumps out of nowhere and attacks them! This is actually not surprising, since Mirkwood is infested with giant spiders/orcs/wargs/goblins/evil men. Gloin son of Genitals pulls out his axe (it was not confiscated during the quarantine inspection earlier) and what-his-face pulls out his sword/bow. They fight off the giant spiders/orcs/wargs/goblins/evil men!

_[Insert long description of whats-his-face and Gimli's dad fighting off the giant spiders/orcs/wargs/goblins/evil men.]_

The battle is supposed to go off without a hitch (considering that fat Scottish dwarves are good at fighting, and whats-his-face is the dad of the elfiest of elves) but for some reason, whats-his-face is seriously injured! While the other guy could also get injured, most FanFiction authors like to pick on elves because...yeah, I don't know. They just do. Anyway, the battle ends, and Gimli's dad sees that whats-his-face is seriously injured. If you couldn't predict it already, he contemplates just leaving him in the middle of the woods where the bears could eat him. Just as he is about to leave, he thinks of his son! And his son's friend! And his son's friend's dad! and realises that he must be a good fat Scottish dwarf and help whats-his-face.

Gimli's dad slings whats-his-face onto his shoulder (which looks comical since he's really short and the other guy is really tall), and drags him back to whats-his-face's house/palace/place of residence. As soon as they arrive at the house/palace/place of residence, a gaggle of Aryan elves (who are always there when NOT needed, but never there when needed) come, gawk, and do absolutely nothing of value. Hearing the commotion, Legolas and Gimli, who have done the impossible and finished their game of Monopoly, rush to Gimli's dad to see what the fuss is about. Legolas sees his dad! He screams! He cries! He remembers his TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST. Then he personally drags his dad to the healing place.

5 seconds later, they are at the healing place, and whats-his-face is magically cured by healers/druids/witch doctors despite the fact that the staff at the healing place likely don't even have a degree in medicine. Anyway, hugs all around. They all learn to accept that everyone has his or her own differences and flaws, and learn that racism is a very bad thing, and that border security sometimes suck arse _blah blah blah_

The end.

* * *

_A/N:_

_There. I hope I haven't lost my thunder. Anyway, I would like to thank everyone who took the time to review this thing. I greatly appreciate it!_


	10. Slash

_A/N:_

_Okay, so I was in the mood for writing again so I decided to write another chapter of this since so many people have been requesting one. The SLASH genrewas requested by a couple reviewers. In this genre, our protagonist is now extremely effeminate (well, he already was but now he's MORE effeminate), and totally gay for *someone*. Anyone. Normally, FanFiction authors target Legolas' manly-man friend, Aragorn, but since I've already written a lot about him, we'll just go for the second-most-written-about, Eomer. You know, the horse guy in the weird helmet who likes cracking racist jokes about fat Scottish dwarves? Yeah, that guy. We're targeting him._

* * *

**BROKEBACK MIDDLE EARTH**

* * *

Okay, so one day, _Les Trois Mousquetaires _(sans muskets) were running to Skyr- I mean, _Edoras_ (POP: 200) to inform Jarl Theoden (he's the President) that some short people were kidnapped and Saruman was being a dick...or something like that. I actually can't remember why they were going there. Probably because Saruman was being a dick. Anyway, Legolas, his manly-man friend, Aragorn, and his fat Scottish dwarf friend, Gimli, were heading to Edoras. The journey sucked arse because they ran out of deodorant and shampoo halfway through the trip, and there had not been a single shower in sight. All of them (except Legolas since he can repel dirt and oil for some reason) were all grimy and smelt like an overcrowded gym located next to a boiler room. This of course, causes our protagonist much grief as he must endure being the only clean person around smelly people. Poor him. He is the only one in the group whose hair is perfect and not oily and grimy at all, which is one hell of a feat because he has blond hair...I think. Most FanFiction authors, such as Peter Jackson, write him with blond hair just because his dad has blond hair. Someone can check this by drawing up a Punnett Square for the genotypes of his dad and mum (who can be found dead/in the shower).

Anyway, none of that matters. We've established that Legolas has this really unhealthy obsession with his hair and the hair of other people, which is why he laments Aragorn's and Gimli's ugly hair throughout the entire trip. Okay, so at this point, he starts talking about how it is sad that he is the only one with nice blond hair, how he wishes to share his enthusiasm for blond hair with another fellow blond, how he is waiting for the producers of _My Strange Obsession_ to call him _blah blah blah_. All of this is happening while the group is traveling, by the way.

_[insert random events that happen during the trip.]_

As things begin to get as boring as most of the stories like this, a bunch of blond Anglo-Saxon guys on horses ride up to them. They form this circle around Legolas, Aragorn, and their fat Scottish dwarf friend. Then the leader of the Rohan Polo Club gets off his horse, and asks what the hell they are doing. This leader guy, Eomer, has long, flowing blond hair _except _it's covered by a stupid-looking helmet, which means that no one can actually see his hair (for some reason). Gimli says some stuff. Then, Eomer cracks this racist, anti-fat Scottish dwarf joke, and so Legolas threatens to shoot Eomer's face off for telling such a racist joke (ironically, Legolas' dad is extremely racist against fat Scottish dwarves). Just as shit is about to hit the fan, Aragorn steps in and tells everyone to calm the f*** down, and shut the f*** up (I'd write the actual word but unfortunately, this story is T-Rated). So, everyone does exactly that and Eomer, totally nonplussed by almost having his face shot off, takes off his stupid helmet, revealing his long, flowing blond hair (just imagine that happening but with some lady's voice in the background saying _"L'Orèal Paris: because you're worth it"_).

BAM! At long last, Legolas has found somebody who he can relate to! He is no longer the only one who has nice blond hair! All of this is just too much for him, and he suddenly finds himself questioning his sexual orientation. Okay, a bit more that that. According to the logic of many FanFiction authors, he had always been gay which is why despite existing for hundreds of years, he had never been able to hold down a girlfriend. However, being isolated from fellow blonds for so long and Eomer being the first blond he's seen, he is now totally full-on gay for Eomer. Anyway, Eomer, being a generous lad, gives everyone some horses. Horses for all! So, Eomer and the rest of the Rohan Polo Club ride off into the sunset with Leggylass daydreaming about Eomer and shit. Then, he and his troupe of merry...man and dwarf ride off with their new horses.

TEN MINUTES LATER...

At this point in the story, stuff has happened and now they see a smoking pile of dead orcs! Holy crap! It's the orc-pocalypse! (_*Badum tss*_) Anyway, the three of them merrily skip up to the pile of roast orcs, and try to find clues for what the hell is going on. Where have those hobbits gone? Why is Saruman such a dick? They will find the answer in the pile of roast orc. Using his super-sonic-manly senses, Aragorn tracks down the hobbits into Fangorn Forest. Yeah, they're _still_ looking for those damn hobbits. Anyway, the three of them walk to the middle of Fangorn Forest. Legolas, despite being totally awesome, morphs into Captain Obvious and says _"This forest is old. Very old." _No shit, Sherlock. Forests don't tend to be new. So, more stuff happens and all of a sudden, there is a bright flash of light! GANDALF APPEARS! (By the way, he died). Now, he is no longer known as Gandalf the Grey, but he is now Gandalf the White! Yeah! What makes it even more awesome is that it's kinda like how Bruce Wayne used to be just Bruce Wayne, but then he became Batman. They get out of Fangorn, and Gandalf summons his magical horse, Shadowfax, which is something like Batman's Batmobile. It can do everything. Anyway...

TEN MINUTES LATER...

Gandalf and the rest of the A-Team head off to Edoras to go talk to Jarl...King Theoden about how shit will hit the fan in Rohan (hey, that rhymed). When they arrive in Edoras 5 seconds later, the first thing they do is head over to "Dragonsreach" (that huge beer hall that Theoden lives in. Lucky bastard...). It so happens that Eomer's blond sister, Eowyn (these goddamn names, I swear), is standing on the veranda. Now at this point, many FanFiction authors show that Eowyn is pretty much the ultimate gay test Rohan has to offer. Legolas notices her HOWEVER, he only notices her because she reminds him of Eomer. Needless to say, leggy Leggylass, the elfiest of elves, has failed the gay test. Everyone then walks into the Theoden's beer hall, and they see that Theoden is being possessed by this really shifty guy named Grima Wormtounge. For some reason, fictional rulers always have these really shifty advisors with suspicious-sounding names (like Grima-f***ing-Wormtounge) that would signal to anyone with half a brain not to have anything to do with these people. Therefore, Theoden does not have half a brain. At this point, Gandalf does this ritual that un-possesses Theoden. Presumably he performed an exorcism while chanting the words _"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" _Stuff happens, Theoden is back to his old self, Grima gets thrown off the veranda _blah blah blah_. Anyway, this shit is not important in these kinds of stories.

TEN MINUTES LATER...

You've probably noticed by now that I keep fast-forwarding everything. It's because I'm actually working off one of these horrendous Brokeback Legolas stories right now, and I'm getting really impatient. So, back to the story. Everyone is at Helms Deep because shit has hit the fan in Rohan. By the way, Legolas is still around, and he's still daydreaming about Eomer. All of a sudden, this massive battle breaks out there between everyone and some of Saruman's orcs (I told you he was a dick). By the way, Haldir (you know, the slow-talking elf guy with eyebrows that are vastly a different colour to his hair), did not actually attend this. He was busy. Anyway, stuff happens, everyone's fighting, people are dying, Gimli needs a box, Legolas is doing jiu jitsu and whatnot.

TEN MINUTES LATER...

Okay, so Legolas and a couple other guys are holed up in the keep. Obviously, he's still thinking about Eomer. Everyone else has been killed but on the bright side, Rohan's overpopulation problem has been solved. There's some business involving Gimli and the Horn of Helm Hammerhand (aka. Rohan's PA system), and everyone else riding out to meet those orcs. Now that all the useless stuff is out of the way, we can resume the Brokeback Middle Earth story.

So, after everyone in the keep rides out to meet "them", the Rohan Polo Club appears in a flash of white light because they are led by...GANDALF! NANANANANANANANANANA GANDALF! Oh yeah, and Eomer's there too. These parts of these kinds of stories are actually based off the movie scene because if the majority of the FanFiction authors had actually read the book, they won't be writing such crap stories. Anyway, Legolas sees him, and he is overjoyed! He jumps for joy at the sight of Eomer's hair! However, there's still a battle going on.

_[insert description about the stuff happening in the battle like people killing things, and Legolas skateboarding down a flight of stairs.]_

So, the battle has ended, and everyone is happy...or as happy as you can be when a battle has just ended. At this point, Legolas sees Eomer and jumps into his arms! They say some lovey-dovey-mushy-gushy stuff- okay, guys. I'm writing this at four in the goddamn morning. I'm tired, I'm annoyed, and I want to go to sleep. I will end just this shit right now.

So..._stuff_ happens, Theoden legalises gay marriage while Rick Santorum and Bill O'Reilly make a huge deal about it, Legolas and Eomer get married, they go to the adoption centre to adopt twenty African children, and everyone lives happily ever after.

The end.

* * *

_A/N:_

_Okay, so now that this stupid crap is finally over and done with, I need more ideas. I'll do anything but those damn Mary Sue and Tenth-Walker/Somebody-gets-dropped-into-Middle-Earth parodies because god knows there's already too many of them. _

_Every time you skip out on leaving a review, another shitty Brokeback Legolas FanFiction is posted to this site._


	11. Saviour of the World

_A/N:_

_While browsing the badfics listed on the Gaffapedia (which everyone should check out, by the way), I saw that many of the one FanFiction there involved Legolas being "some sort of messiah"._

_After some research (aka. reading a couple badfics at were exactly like that), I found out that in these kinds of FanFics, Legolas is this ultra-benevolent Jesus type guy, and he was born with some magical object imbedded in some part of his body. Some evil druid lady tries to get her hands on the magical object so that she can rule the planet, and cooks up a weird scheme in order to achieve this. _

_Very weird and very cliche therefore, I will parody it._

* * *

**LEGOLAS CHRIST THE MESSIAH**

* * *

One day, before our protagonist was even born, everyone's favourite racist arsehole, King whats-his-face, was having a really bad day because he had no idea how to deal with the massive population increase of giant spiders/orcs/wargs/goblins/evil men in Mirkwood. To make matters worse, his loyal Aryan subjects were getting killed off by the giant spiders/orcs/wargs/goblins/evil men in descriptive and original ways, his wife (who is surprisingly, not dead/in the shower) was PMSing, and Fox News was still pestering him about his failed domestic security policies. Basically, this whole ordeal is contributing to what would eventually become his TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST.

At this point, whats-his-face is desperate to find a solution to all his problems (including his PMSing wife), and what will happen to him in the future, so he contacts his wise, fortune-telling friend, Gandalf/Galadriel/Elrond/Galadriel's boring husband, Celebrate...Celibate...something like that. Anyway, Gandalf/Galadriel/Elrond/Galadriel's boring husband runs over to Mirkwood in 5 seconds. Whats-his-face and Gandalf/Galadriel/Elrond/Galadriel's boring husband have this long and drawn out elvish greeting (_"Bonjour"_), and then finally get down to business.

_[insert description of whats-his-face asking about his future while __asking Gandalf/Galadriel/Elrond/Galadriel's boring husband spreads out tarot cards across the table.]_

After looking at tarot cards and making whats-his-face poorer by about a hundred bucks, Gandalf/Galadriel/Elrond/Galadriel's boring husband tells whats-his-face a prophecy about how his future kid (our protagonist) will be born with a magical object imbedded in some part of his body that will bring peace and prosperity to all people on earth HOWEVER it will come at a great price (as if a hundred bucks was not great enough a price already). So, after this whole _Sleeping Beauty_-esque thing plays out, whats-his-face, totally nonplussed, and Gandalf/Galadriel/Elrond/Galadriel's boring husband shake hands, and he/she runs back from whence they came.

(Okay, so this whole magical object thing might seem a bit weird but it was either that or write Legolas with some magic power like some FanFiction authors do. The magical object premise is way easier to parody so we'll just stick with that, despite how weird it is).

Some time later, whats-his-face finds out that his wife is pregnant. Of course, this does nothing to solve his problems because her hormone imbalance is causing her to take out all her rage on him. This leaves whats-his-face wondering whether or not _this _was the "great price" that he had to pay. Unfortunately for him, it is not.

It is magically 9 months later, and whats-his-face's wife gives birth to a son who he names Leggylass because whats-his-face likes legs and lasses. Oh, and he's complete with that magical object imbedded somewhere in his body. Anyway, the world says "_IT'S DEBT COLLECTING TIME!"_ and whats-his-face's wife dies 5 seconds later of 'complications'. For some stupid reason, FanFiction authors always kill her off with childbirth. It's always goddamn childbirth. It's never anything more original like AIDS or the bubonic plague. Nah, everyone just stick with something easy, and quick like bloody CHILDBIRTH.

At this tragic turn of events (which is probably badly written), whats-his-face is inconsolable but on the bright side, at least he no longer has to deal with a PMSing wife. However, this does nothing to remedy what will soon become his TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST. Either way, whats-his-face pledges to look after his magical son forever and ever since he is magical.

_[insert cheesy through-the-years montage of father-son bonding between whats-his-face and Legolas, including mandatory camping trips and fishing lessons]_

Whats-his-face realises that in the years following the birth of his magical son, all of the giant spiders/orcs/wargs/goblins/evil men have died, the GDP per capita of Mirkwood has skyrocketed, his wife no longer PMSes (for obvious reasons), and Fox News has gone completely bankrupt. All is well and good in Mirkwood, and the Aryan elves hail Legolas as their Messiah (_"Faaaaall on your kneeees and heaaaaar the angel vooooooiiices"_)._  
_

Okay, so now there's this change of scene to some dark cave in Middle Earth somewhere where an evil druid lady, _[insert stupid Mediaeval name], _is being told by her troupe of flying monkeys about the magical object imbedded somewhere in Legolas' body (like near his stomach or gall bladder or something) that has the power to enslave all of Middle Earth! _[Insert stupid Mediaeval name] _hatches a cunning plan to try and get the magical object. In short, she's going to stab Legolas, and cut the damn thing out. At this point, she cackles, brews potions, does evil stuff _blah blah blah_.

Meanwhile in Mirkwood, all the Aryans are preparing for some festival, most likely another one of whats-his-face's versions of _Oktoberfest_. Everyone in Middle Earth is planning on attending for the booze (so yeah, just like _Oktoberfest_), including great characters such as Gandalf, Galadriel, Elrond, and Galadriel's boring husband, aptly named Celebrate. Anyway, so the day of whats-his-face's wild party arrives, and everyone has turned up including (DUN DUN DUN) _[insert stupid Mediaeval name] _only this time, she is disguised as someone who looks like Middle Earth's version of Megan Fox.

When she struts into the club, heads turn! Jaws hit the ground! Drinks spill to the floor! Pants- okay, you get the picture. The point is, everyone is totally awestruck at the evil druid lady and due to his penchant for legs and lasses, no one is more awestruck than whats-his-face. Legolas just doesn't care because remember, he's pretty much Jesus. Anyway, this is all a part of _[Insert stupid Mediaeval name]_'s game plan: strut into the club and pick up a guy, preferably whats-his-face, in order to get closer to leggy Leggylass so she can stab him and get the magical object. It would have been easier to just get at Legolas but many FanFiction authors like to add as many superfluous details to their plot as possible.

Okay, so taking advantage of whats-his-face's (most likely) intoxicated state, _[Insert stupid Mediaeval name] _convinces him to marry her, kinda like how the evil queen does it in Snow White. He agrees and soon after, there's this big wedding, stuff happens, and _[Insert stupid Mediaeval name] _is one step closer killing Legolas and getting that magical object. Of course, at some point the evil druid lady turns Mirkwood into a hellhole again. She brings back the giant spiders/orcs/wargs/goblins/evil men, makes the entire female population PMS, and brings back Fox News. HOWEVER, using his super Jesus senses, Legolas finds out the evil druid lady's (aka. his stepmum) plot! Holy shit! He has to do something quickly! It's funny how Gandalf/Galadriel/Elrond/Galadriel's boring husband neglected to tell whats-his-face this little tidbit of information.

Later at dinner time, Leggylass stands up and reveals _[Insert stupid Mediaeval name]_'s evil plan to his dad. Whats-his-face turns to his side and asks _[Insert stupid Mediaeval name]_ the really cliche question _"Is this true?" _but_[Insert stupid Mediaeval name] _(obviously) denies it all. Desperately trying to convince his dad, Legolas taps into his Jesus powers, and uses it to convince his dad that he is right. Since he is using Jesus powers, it works and his dad is horrified at _[Insert stupid Mediaeval name]._ Enraged, _[Insert stupid Mediaeval name] _grabs a dinner knife, and stabs whats-his-face! Whats-his-face dies an extremely pathetic death while the evil druid lady transforms into something like a druid version of a Super-Saiyan. By the way, Legolas has the ability to ignore his dad's death because he has Jesus powers, but subconsciously, this will have contributed to his TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST._  
_

Anyway, Legolas and _[Insert stupid Mediaeval name]_ battle it out in the dining room using their superpowers.

_[insert long description of Legolas and the evil druid lady batting it out Harry Potter style in the dining room, including shouts of "Expelliamus!__" and "Expecto Patronum!"]_

Of course, being the elfiest of elves, our protagonist wins the battle HOWEVER being Jesus, he has not killed _[Insert stupid Mediaeval name]_ rather, he lets one of the other Aryan elves do the work for him. So, all the Aryan elves walk out into the dining room and cheer! They cry tears of joy! They celebrate! Celebrate comes along to celibately celebrate the celibate celebration! (Try saying that five times fast). They all hail Legolas as the even Messiah-er Messiah, and everyone lives happily ever after.

* * *

_A/N:_

_Thank you to everyone who reviewed this. Reading bad Legolas FanFiction can be very depressing and your reviews make everything all warm and fuzzy again._

_Also, as suggested by Xelfi4ever, the next parody I am planning on parodying is the MPREG genre. Yes, THAT one. That is the only genre that is worse and more horrific than Legomance, and that's saying a lot. I am willing to put my sanity on the line for all of you. This should serve as a warning to some of my more sensitive readers that the next parody may highly disturb you, and you may want to skip out on that one. Don't say I didn't warn you!_


	12. MPREG

_A/N:_

_I had never read any MPREG stories until I had to write this next parody. I shouldn't have done it. All the tales you heard about that genre are true. They are ALL TRUE. MPREG is just as screwed up and disturbing as they say. I'm still disturbed. Everything is going dark. I'm slowly losing my vision. And my sanity._

_Seriously, who the flying shit even THOUGHT that it would be a great idea to write a story about men getting pregnant? Men can't even get pregnant! AND WHERE THE HELL DOES THE BABY COME OUT?_

* * *

**MPREG (KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!)**

* * *

So one day, everyo- okay, just wait. _Just wait_. Everyone just shut the hell up and wait for just one goddamn second. Wow. Just...deep breaths...deep breaths...yeah...I got this...I got this...

_Okay_, so one day, everyone who was anyone was in Rivendell at the after-party to the after-party of Aragorn's coronation. Everyone was party hard-ing at Elrond's crib. There was plenty of booze to go around, the four hobbits were having an intense drinking contest, Gimli was lying hammered on the floor in a pool of his own vomit, and Aragorn and Elrond were playing a game of drunken strip poker.

_[Insert description of various party guests playing wild party games including brief description of DJ Erestor mixing some dubstep]_

However, amid the throng of guests, there was one who would not join in the drunken festivities. No, not Galadriel's boring husband, Celeboring (he was too boring to even leave his house), but our protagonist, Leggylass. Being the elfiest of elves, Leggylass felt that he had to uphold his elfiness even when everyone else was not (ironically, his dad was dancing on a table only two metres from him). Anyway, our totally awesome, yet killjoy, protagonist is sitting in a corner all by himself, not drinking or touching anything in case anything had been spiked.

Looking to rectify this, Legolas' best manly-man friend, Aragorn, stumbles across to him after his game of strip poker, shoves a suspicious-looking drink in his face, and tells him to take a sip. Legolas refuses and Aragorn drunkedly slurs _"jusht try ah beeet"_. Legolas refuses once again and his inebriated state, Aragorn shoves the drink right up in Legolas' face and yells _"JUST F***ING DRINK THE MOTHERF***ING DRINK YOU MOTHERF***ER OR I'LL SHOVE THIS F***ING THING RIGHT UP YOUR F***ING ARSE!". _Everyone else suddenly falls silent except for Elrond, who can be heard in the background slurring out _"Neverr befoarr hash anyone uttered thoshe wordsh in daat tounge heeer in Imladrish."_

Shocked by his best manly-man friend's aggression, Legolas reluctantly takes the drink, and downs it one go while everyone is watching. Everyone else stays silent for a while, and then they all cheer wildly as someone has finally drunk the undrinkable drink. Wait, the _undrinkable drink_? Yes, that's right. Our protagonist had just drunk the undrinkable drink, a mix of Dorwinion and Absynthe, commonly known as _'I HATE MY LIVER'_. Apparently, whilst being a total- yet awesome- killjoy, our protagonist did not know that everyone at the party had dared each other to drink that undrinkable drink. However, no one actually dared to do it, which is why people were doing weird things like playing strip poker and table dancing as punishment. Yes, even Legolas' dad, whats-his-face, did not feel like drinking it that time despite the fact that some time ago, he had been drinking it back in his Mirkwoodian bedroom/library/office/wine cellar while trying to forget his TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST.

Anyway, while everyone else goes resumes their partying, Legolas realises that maybe he _shouldn't_ have drunk that drink because the world is now spinning (as if on cue, DJ Erestor plays a dubstep remix of _You Spin Me Round_). Our protagonist stumbles around the hallways trying to find somewhere where he can pass out safely (obviously, he's a bit more picky about this than Gimli).

_[Insert description of Legolas stumbling around the hallways including a bit where he accidentally bumps into a pair of random elves drunkedly getting it on in Elrond's council chambers]_

However, he can find absolutely nowhere where he could pass out safely because so high was the level of wildness at the party that every single room was filled with random strangers either playing strip poker, dancing on tables, or getting it on. Leggy Leggylass is so scared that he starts freaking out. In his drunken state, everyone looks like a giant spider/orc/warg/goblin/evil man to him, bringing back memories of his TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST! Fortunately for him, he soon bumps into someone who he actually does know, good ol' glorfing Glorfindel. However, unfortunately for him, Glorification is wasted. Despite this, our protagonist decides to take what he can get at the moment, and just sticks with him.

Leggy Leggylass finds out that Glorfinger is also not too happy about being totally wasted and having now found a common interest, the two go off and sit in some random room to have a nice conversation. They talk about things they both take interest in like trees, elfy elf songs about trees, the great importance and social relevance of college courses such as liberal arts _blah blah blah _and hit it off right away. Of course, standard protocol when hitting it off with another person while extremely intoxicated is to automatically become bisexual. Our protagonist, the elfiest of elves, and Glorification head off to the nearest bedroom where they...uh...yeah.

_[Insert extremely graphic description of...uh...yeah]_

It is suddenly the next morning and our protagonist wakes up with a massive hangover. He groggily drags himself out of bed and looks to the other side of the bed where he sees...Holy shit! Glorfindel/Gimli/everyone! Our protagonist realises what he and Glorfindel/Gimli/everyone did the previous night, and he screams and runs for the hills. Being the elfiest of elves, Leggylass is able to run for the hills in a perfectly decent manner despite the fact that he has a massive hangover.

Anyway, it is magically two weeks later, and Legolas is back in his house/palace/place of residence in good ol' Mirkwood. Just before he goes downstairs to eat breakfast, he suddenly feels sick and he runs for the bathroom where he throws up into the toilet bowl/dunny/hole int he ground/whatever toilet facility they have. Being totally awesome, yet totally naive, our protagonist thinks that he is just suffering from wild party withdrawals and brushes this off as if it is nothing.

Unfortunately for our elfy protagonist, he endures this horrible ordeal every single morning for months on end. To make matters worse, he is bloated and cannot fit into his clothes anymore. Finally, leggy Leggylass decides that something is _very_ wrong with him and he goes off to tell his dad, whats-his-face, about how he has been feeling for the past few months. He could have gone to his mother however, she was dead/in the shower at the time.

_[insert description of leggy Leggylass crying his eyes out and describing how horrible he is feeling to everyone's favourite racist arsehole, his dad, who is surprisingly not being a total arsehole]_

Whats-his-face is in total shock because he realises that beneath the blubbering and sobbing, his son, the elfiest of elves, is describing something that sounds exactly like pregnacy! Holy shit! Is that even possible? According to many FanFiction authors, it is. Whats-his-face launches into an angry tirade which includes something along the lines of _"Son...daughter...whatever you are, we need to have The Talk", "Who the hell is the father?"_, and _"HOW THE F*** IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE FOR A MALE TO GET PREGNANT?"_

_[insert description of Legolas saying that "it's probably Glorfindel but I can't know for sure because there were sixty other people with me" and whats-his-face yelling out "I'M GOING TO KILL THAT BASTARD...OR THOSE BASTARDS...WHICHEVER STATEMENT IS MORE CORRECT!"]_

Eventually, whats-his-face calms down and tries to come to terms with the fact that he will soon become a grandfather via unconventional means, and his totally awesome, yet totally knocked up, son tries to come to terms with the fact that he somehow has a functioning uterus which technically, does not make him a son at all.

The next few months, it becomes apparent that our protagonist is actually pregnant since his/her/its stomach keeps expanding. Many people come to his house/palace/place of residence to gawk at him, including Galadriel's boring husband, Celeboring, who gives a condescending lecture on how right he was that 'borderline non-sentient' is the safest personality to have. Also among the tourists is glorfing Glorfindel (who is promptly dragged away by whats-his-face, never to be seen again), and many other potential fathers, both male and female because hey, if a male can somehow have a uterus, a female can have a...

Anyway, it is magically Leggylass' due date and of course, all the midwives encounter an obstacle that they have never encountered before: how the hell to get the baby out. Somehow, despite having a uterus, Leggylass does not actually have the...um..._opening_ that most females have to allow babies to actually be born. Realising this, the midwives call for a bunch of healers (who most likely don't have a medical degree) to perform a C-section on our protagonist.

_[insert graphic description of the operation, including a description of McGyver-ed operating instruments]_

The operation is over and surprisingly, it has been done successfully despite the lack of medical degrees from the people performing it. Being the elfiest of elves, our protagonist recovers immediately and is somewhat happy about his new baby boy/girl (although you can't be too sure of the gender since in the godforsaken FanFiction universe, males can somehow have uteri). Anyway, Legolas promptly gives his son/daughter (gender pending) a really cheesy elvish name, and tourists come from far and wide to gawk at this oddity (Celeboring could not come because at this point in the story, he has finally crossed the thin line between borderline non-sentient and completely non-sentient). Everyone, although completely mindf***ed, lives happily ever after.

* * *

_A/N:_

_If you have any ideas for another parody, please send them in. The lucky winner will receive ONE MILLION BILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF CASH PRIZES* AND HAVE THEIR IDEA WRITTEN!_

_*not really_


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